Mom, Sister, and Community Champion
– Kalisha
I came to Fresno for opportunities. In 2010, I got into Fresno State so I came here for college and an education, and during my time here, I had both my children. Stockton, California, is where I was raised my entire life, and that is home for me, so Fresno isn’t too far, only two hours south.
I got pregnant with my daughter toward the end of my freshman year and had her during my sophomore year. I had the option of going home with the blessing of my mother, but I chose to actually stay in Fresno and committed myself to being a student.
School kept me here in Fresno, and the fact that my kids are from here. We have created a home, and we have access to resources and a support system.
I got my undergrad in criminal justice with a certificate in victim services. I had a great college experience, despite what people think when you have kids. Being a student and a parent at Fresno State, you were given resources from the community and connected to services, so it definitely made the experience of navigating motherhood and being a college student a lot easier to bear. It was never easy, but it made things more comforting.
My daughter attended Fresno State’s childcare program, which is definitely one of the best childcare programs I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. Without that program, I don’t think that I would have been able to finish my first degree.
I went ahead and went on to my master’s program, during which I met my son’s father. I ended up getting pregnant during a break I was taking from the program. I was in labor for weeks, but during that time, I was given the opportunity to return to Fresno State. After I gave birth, I finished my master’s. My son was about two and a half when I finished.
Being in Fresno when I was pregnant had a huge impact on how I chose to give birth and how I now choose to raise my children. I wish I was around family more. Sometimes that can be bittersweet. Women often complain about the input from family members or being told what to do as a mother and all these other things when it comes to family. I feel like I avoided a lot of that.
I think I was also open to a lot more, breastfeeding being one of those things. Seeing other mothers or being put in spaces where I’ve seen breastfeeding come up, and I’m like ‘Oh this is really a thing.’ Because I am one of the newest moms in my family to actually breastfeed, I feel like I’m starting that over again. It was never really a discussion in my family, so the distance definitely affected the way I chose to nourish my kids. I think it also affected the way I chose the support I needed during my pregnancy.
I lost my mother in my junior year of college, a year after having my daughter, so it was imperative for me during my next pregnancy and while giving birth to have someone by my side that provided a mothering presence.
I’ve been affected by infant mortality in a few different ways, but in this space, I really want to highlight its impact on me as a sibling. I had a big sister that I found out about when I was fairly young. At the same time, I also think was too old to be just finding out her name.
Her name was Tysha Goodwin. My mom lost her during labor, from what I was told. There are a lot of missing aspects to the story: When it comes to where she is now currently, her remains, how she actually passed away. It’s been a very secretive topic in my family. I don’t know if it’s intended to be a secret or more just to avoid the pain. I wish she would have been more of a conversation or a discussion or honored in our family in a way that made her relevant to everyone.
Now as an adult, I’m very comfortable asking questions, but unfortunately, my mother isn’t here. So I am not able to ask her questions that I feel like I would typically ask her and comfort her through that process of sharing with me and helping her understand that she’s not the only woman who experienced loss. She’s allowed to feel the way she feels about the situation. Knowing that my mother never really got to vent or share her feelings or her hurt about losing my sister has affected me emotionally.
If I had the power to be there for my mother, I really wish that I could have been a safe space for my mother to grieve her feelings about my sister. I know that there was a lot of things she didn’t get to grieve, so I wouldn’t be surprised if my sister was on the list. I wish I could have been there for her to support her in that.
Sharing my experience as a sibling was something that I needed to do. I’m not sure if my family will see this but I feel like this is one of the most comfortable ways for me to be able to speak about my sister in a way that no one ever has before. I’m grateful that the opportunity was presented to me to speak on this topic, specifically when it comes to Black infant mortality.
I remember there were times when I was younger and I would be in these fits, and I would cry out and say, ‘I wish my sister was here, I wish Tysha was here, I wish I had another big sister or another sibling,’ and just different things like that, which as a kid I couldn’t even fully understand why she wasn’t there in the first place. I just feel like it would have been really important to share with a kid.
It also impacted me on a spiritual level. I do honor my ancestors, and I see my sister as an ancestor. A lot of the times when people do ancestral reverence, there are these blockages that you have when you’re unable to connect with a family member because you don’t know who they are, you don’t know what they look like, you don’t know anything about them. It takes you on a completely different journey connecting with this person or this spirit, so I think that’s how that heavily impacted me in that way.
For any Black or Brown mom, I always give out information about Black Infant Health. It is an awesome program I did not know existed until I had my son. At the time, my daughter was already about six years old, so I feel like I was a little late in the game. It is a great way to understand what the heck you are doing because pregnancy and parenting is such a new realm, and again, it’s not something that is heavily talked about within our own families.
Glow! group prenatal care was another great program that I experienced. It was super innovative to be able to go through your pregnancy with other women who are pregnant and due at the same time as you. You have your babies in the same time period, and not only that, you get to really share experiences with one another and use each other as a form of comfort,
Fresno Women, Infants, and Children (WIC), of course, has always been awesome when you need food and other things, or want information on breastfeeding. That’s what I used WIC for the most, breastfeeding support. Within these three different programs, there’s so much more to them. These resources open your eyes to the possibility of being able to be pregnant comfortably.
We have all these preconceived notions about what pregnancy and after pregnancy is supposed to look like, and a lot of the time they’re really scary. In these spaces, I feel like a lot of those fears that we have are removed, and our minds are shifted around thoughts of pain, postpartum depression, and other negative outcomes.
